Long for Me Page 2

  It was the crux of their relationship, or anything like this, that I’d never been able to piece together.

  This was why I was here. To explore it. To gain a better understanding. To see if it was as truly horrific as I imagined it would be. Also because who wanted to spend the night alone on New Year’s Eve?

  New year, new goals. Topping my list was eradicating preconceived notions of things I didn’t understand, and freeing myself from the lingering bindings of my past.

  “Rebecca,” Shawn said, coming up behind us. He slid his hand through the crook of my arm, placing my hand gently on his forearm. The man was magnetic, had to give him that. More than once I’d swooned at his sexy, full smile and the way his green eyes shone when Miranda said something that pleased him. “Allow me the honor of escorting you inside. If you have questions, ask them. If you want to explore, please let us know where you’re going. My phone is on vibrate, but I’ll check it if you text me. Understand?”

  Oh Geez. The closer we got, the hotter my blood turned. And was I sweating? Fantastic. “Shawn, you’re not helping my desire to puke all over the sidewalk.”

  He grinned down at me, completely unaffected. “It’s my job to keep my girls safe, and tonight I’m here for you just as much as I am Miranda.”

  And after, he’d beat her until she was screaming. Gah! I’d never understand this. But I’d try. I had to.

  If only I truly understood why I needed to get it so badly.

  Chapter Two

  Rebecca

  It was possible I had been slightly judgmental and terrified for nothing. For thirty minutes, I’d stayed glued to Shawn and Miranda while we walked around the club. With every passing moment, my worst fears were drowned out by the incandescent beauty.

  Okay, yeah, I’d been expecting jail cells and torture chambers. Despite their assurances, multiple ones, that I wouldn’t see anything terrifying, I still expected to walk in and have screams of pain overwhelm my ears. But that didn’t happen. Instead, I was swept away by beauty and laughter and a throng of people wearing sexy dresses and even sexier suits, laughing, talking, dancing, drinking and well, damn.

  Luminous looked more like an upscale martini bar than a dungeon for abusers to be given free rein to beat people. Gray walls glimmered under a thousand sparkling lights and chandeliers. Mahogany wood tables filled the space where we’d wandered. Beyond them, a crowd of people, mostly women, stood around a roped off area at the far side of the club where I hadn’t yet ventured. Where I hadn’t yet wanted to venture.

  No one cowered in fear. No one had that deadened look in their eyes, showing a lifetime of defeat with no hope of escape.

  Perhaps instead of Shawn cooking me up some rack of lamb, I’d need him to fix me some crow.

  “This place is beautiful,” I said to Miranda. Shawn had ushered us to the bar and planted us at the far edge, far away from the crowd lining the demonstration area. He’d done it to make me more comfortable and I appreciated his thoughtfulness.

  She grinned at me knowingly and took a sip of her wine. My drink tickets were tucked away in my clutch and I was sipping a sparkling water. I might have needed the liquid courage to get dressed but once we entered, I didn’t have the urge to drink. I wanted to be aware. Eyes wide open and able to take in everything I saw. Somehow, the seductiveness of Luminous sucked me in and I was curious.

  About all of it.

  It wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be, but this wasn’t a typical night. I’d have a different opinion when I saw some woman being dragged on a leash or kneeling at a man’s feet simply because he commanded it.

  “Excuse me, Shawn and Miranda?”

  “Dylan, Happy New Year to you,” Shawn said, holding out his hand. The men shook hands and Dylan leaned forward and pressed his lips to Miranda’s cheek.

  He was tall with a shaved head and chocolate skin. Dark brown eyes that seemed to hold all the world’s answers. Like hell you couldn’t tell who Doms were without a wristband. Everything about this man screamed control and power and drop to your knees because he was too gorgeous to stand in his presence. Even my knees wobbled a bit, and I reached for the bar to steady myself.

  He pulled back from Miranda and focused on Shawn. “Seems I have a problem and I’m hoping you and Miranda can help me out. The couple who were supposed to be doing the demonstrations at eleven thirty had to back out. Jensen’s sub has come down with the flu.”

  “Is she okay?” Miranda asked.

  “She will be. He assures me it’s a simple flu from working too hard.”

  “My apologies, Dylan,” Shawn said. He nodded toward me and my back straightened as I gained Dylan’s notice. The man was simply edible. Muscled and broad shouldered with arms that could lift a Volkswagen, I was certain. And he owned the place. Miranda had told me about him, mentioned his name, but I didn’t think he’d be so enamoring. “Unfortunately, we’ve come with a visitor tonight and I would prefer not to leave her.”

  Dylan’s gaze did a quick sweep of my body and I resisted the urge to shrink back, but Lord I wanted to. How did God make men into such fine specimens?

  “Understood.” He looked away from me, dismissing me without an introduction and something about it stung. Stupid. Had I really wanted the owner of a sex club to take notice of me? No. No I did not.

  I’d let Miranda talk me into coming so I wasn’t alone but it’d be selfish of me to ruin their fun, too.

  And well...maybe a part of me wanted to see them. I sipped my sparkling water. Yeah, one glass of wine had definitely been enough. I was already lightheaded and silly. I didn’t want to see this. See them. I didn’t want any of this.

  So why haven’t you left yet?

  “It’s okay,” I said before Dylan walked away to find someone else.

  “Rebecca—”

  I waved Miranda off. “It’s okay, really.” I tried to smile, but it felt forced so I shrugged instead. It was too late to turn back. “It’s fine, guys. You like this stuff and it’s sweet you want to stay with me, but I’ll just hang out here and drink.” I lifted my glass of water.

  “You sure?” Shawn asked. “We don’t have to. I promised you we’d stay close if you wanted.”

  “And I’m fine.” I was already trembling but it wasn’t exactly from nerves. Excitement perhaps? “In fact, I think I’m going to go explore a bit.” One step into a sex club and I was on my way to crazy town.

  “We don’t mind,” Miranda said, glancing at Shawn before looking at me. “I wanted you to enjoy yourself tonight and if you’d be more comfortable with us by you, then it’s fine. We can play anytime.”

  I did not need that visual.

  “And I don’t want to be a burden. It’s your New Year’s too. Besides—” I laughed nervously “—it’s not like anyone will bite me, right?”

  Shawn grinned. “Not unless you beg nicely.”

  “Lovely, thanks for that.”

  He shrugged unashamedly and wrapped his arm around Miranda. He was always touching her. Light touches that showed not only his love for her but his desire. I wanted that. Someone who looked at me the way he was always so focused on his wife. Just you know, without the chains and floggings.

  I gulped down the rest of my water and stepped away from them. “It’s fine, trust me. I’m going to go see what all the fuss is about at the front.”

  “I have my phone. I’ll keep it with me at all times,” Shawn reminded me.

  “And I won’t text you while you’re seducing your wife.”

  “Anytime, Rebecca. Remember what I said, it’s my job to keep you safe tonight and that means from anything that makes you uncomfortable. A touch, a look, someone says something that makes you cringe. Call me immediately.”

  This guy. He was one of a kind.

  “And I love you for it.” I
pressed a kiss to his cheek and hugged Miranda. “Go have fun, and don’t worry about me. I came with you so I wasn’t alone tonight, not so I could be your third wheel.”

  “If you’re sure.” Miranda nibbled her bottom lip, still looking uncertain. I might have had crappy parents, but I’d chosen good friends.

  “I’m sure.” I flicked my hand. “Go. I’ll walk around and I have my phone. I promise to use it if I need to.”

  I stepped away and into the crowd before they could talk me out of it. Wouldn’t take much. I took five steps from the bar, swallowed by more groups of people hanging out and laughing, and I instantly wanted to slink back to the bar and hide.

  Power radiated off both men and women as I maneuvered through small clusters of people. It was an almost physical presence, and more than once when I glanced at someone’s wrist, I was only confirming what I’d already suspected, whether they were Dom or sub. The rules might have been relaxed but people and their instincts didn’t change. More than one woman I walked past had their hands clasped together, head bowed toward the floor while the man next to them spoke. Subs were far more easily noticeable simply by the way they stood in correlation to the person next to them.

  And yet, not a single person pulsed with fear or nerves. Not a single one flinched when they were touched by another hand at their back or shoulder. Instead, they swayed into it, as if the gentle touch from someone who dominated them soothed them.

  Strange, that.

  Before I realized I’d walked so far, I pulled to a quick stop at a scarlet red rope draped in front of me.

  Oh, shit. I’d found the demonstrations and now that I was there, I looked back to the bar.

  I could go back. I could hide by the bar and drink my water and spend New Year’s alone.

  Or, I could move forward. New year, new life, new rules, new goals. Break free from the past. Push past judgments. Learn before assuming.

  And in that case, watch before declaring it evil.

  I dragged my eyes off the rope and lifted them to the couple on stage, and everything inside of me iced over.

  Because my boss, Bennett Asshole Ashby, was standing on the stage. In front of him was a woman in a black silk thong and bra, strapped to an exact replica of the X-shaped cross Miranda had in her house.

  His back was to me but that didn’t matter, I’d spent hours watching the muscles on his back flex beneath his white dress shirt as he stalked away from me in the office. And tonight, he had more on display. Sleeves rolled up past his elbows, veins popping on his arms, and in his hand, something that resembled a riding crop people used on horses.

  It took several moments for all the pieces to click together.

  My boss. BDSM club. He was whipping a woman in public. Dominant. Because he enjoyed it?

  The echoing of voices dulled to a humming vibration and went mute.

  Holy crap! My boss was wielding a crop on a woman. He pulled back and let it fly. The resulting smack of the crop on the fleshiest parts of her ass jolted her forward.

  Her face was flushed, her lips parted. Her eyes were droopy like she’d been drugged. None of it made sense.

  I wanted to turn and run, to scream and shout. I wanted to rip the crop out of Bennett’s hand, but I couldn’t move.

  I was too riveted, watching their demonstration, watching my boss beat some woman who showed more pleasure, more emotion on her face and in her eyes from a man spanking her ass than I had ever experienced in my lifetime.

  All the cooled parts of me sparked, heated, and I froze. My hands curled around the rope in front of me, digging into the soft velvet, and next to me, someone bumped me on the shoulder while they took their position.

  I stayed there. Watching. Hating it. But damn if I couldn’t stop watching Bennett.

  He was rude to me. Bossy. Now it all made sense. But he wasn’t kind like Shawn. I couldn’t imagine Bennett snowplowing a neighbor’s driveway unless he got something from it. Shawn laughed and joked and teased and was playful. He was nothing like the Bennett I knew from the office.

  Not that’d I’d known this side of him, either. And Jesus. His arms. If arm porn magazines were a thing he could be on the cover. His biceps bulged every time he bent his arm. The slap of leather on flesh echoed in my ears.

  He dropped the crop to his side and walked toward the woman. As he reached her, he bent down, pushing hair off her face and behind her ear. He whispered something and she nodded in response. They continued speaking in murmured tones I couldn’t hear but never, not once, had I ever seen Bennett’s gaze go so soft when he spoke as he was in that moment.

  He was unmitigated power and control and bossy asshole in the office, but on that stage, he was none of it except controlled. He smiled at the woman, whispered some more and when she nodded again, he ran his thumb down her cheek. He turned his back to the crowd and grabbed a bottle of water. Untwisting it, he held it out for the woman. Bound, she couldn’t hold it on her own but she tilted her head back. In a move so tender I didn’t think he had it in him, he cupped her jaw, held her still while he pressed the bottle of water to her lips.

  The serene expression in her eyes and the tender gestures from him stalled my beating heart inside my chest and I couldn’t think. Couldn’t move away. He’d never shown me an ounce of compassion in the two months I’d been working for him. He was behaving completely the opposite of how I’d known him.

  It made me lean forward, desperate for a small hint of that kindness directed at me, and I hadn’t even been aware I needed it, wanted it so desperately from him, until it was being poured out onto someone else.

  His girlfriend? The thought tasted like sludge deep in my throat. Of course it was. Had to be. No way was a man like Bennett Ashby single. And was that jealousy I was tasting? How absurd. I didn’t have a crush on my egomaniac boss.

  I just wanted to be treated kindly. That was all.

  He turned and scanned the crowd behind him.

  I didn’t move quick enough. There was nowhere to hide.

  His gaze landed on me and all that warmth sparked like an inferno as he stared at me. He showed no expression and we stood there, me heating and trembling and holy shit why hadn’t I run yet? Bennett’s softness from talking to the woman evaporated. Cold. Domineering. Eyes glued on me, he walked back to the woman and spoke to her again.

  But his eyes were still on me, his gaze unwavering and I was too frozen stupid to move. I couldn’t break his spell. I’d just watched him whip a woman and I no longer wanted to puke.

  I wanted that soft gaze I’d seen him give her.

  And I wanted it on me.

  Yeah, my sparkling water had definitely been drugged with crazy sauce.

  Chapter Three

  Bennett

  Over the last two months, I’d become used to the prickle of awareness that ignited my nerves whenever Rebecca Morales was within twenty feet of me. I’d even tested it. My cock had a direct line on the sweet scent of my sexy but uptight and too serious assistant. It saluted her as soon as we stepped off the elevator on the top floor of Ashby Enterprises every damn day.

  My dick had, again, somehow sensed her before I did. Because Rebecca at Luminous was as crazy as her being willing to bend over my desk so I could spank her, like I envisioned almost every time her ass swayed and swished out of my office. I’d shaken off the odd feeling and paused the demonstration with Kaila, needing to get myself under control.

  My dick didn’t get hard when I whipped women during demonstrations. It was too technical, too scripted, and on a night like this, it was toned down so as not to scare the guests. In reality though, I was never one for liking to use a tool. Tonight’s rules required it but with any sub I played with the way I desired, my hand was always the preferred method of delivering a spanking.

  “You still doing okay, Kaila?” I
was stalling. Rebecca Morales was at fucking Luminous, her white wristband shining like a neon beacon. Fuck, what was she doing here? This was my space and the one place I could get away from her.

  “Good, sir.” I brushed my fingers through her hair. “Can we continue?”

  “Our time is almost up.”

  “Pity, sir.” She winked at me, her green eyes clearing. “I was hoping we could finish this later, more appropriately.”

  Yeah, no. I’d had Kaila before and there was nothing about my time with her that made me up for a repeat. I was particular about who I took to bed and even more so who I played with. Kaila’s taste was more severe than I had any interest in. She needed someone who wielded a cat-o’-nine-tails with precision. That man wasn’t me. I didn’t get off on delivering pain the way other Doms did. I needed the control, fucking craved it, but for me it happened in other ways.

  I’d only agreed to help with demonstrations as a favor to Dylan.

  “Fifteen more and then we’re done for the night. I can help you with after care unless you have someone else for it?” This scene had been so tame she probably didn’t need it, but it was still my responsibility to care for her in some way.

  I needed to get out of the stage area as soon as possible so I could find Rebecca and figure out what in the hell she was doing here.

  Disappointment flickered in her eyes before she looked at the floor. “I’ll find someone sir, thank you.”

  I stepped back and flipped the crop against my thigh and found Rebecca again. She hadn’t moved. In fact, her lips were parted and even though the lights were dimmed, there was a pale hue of pink on her cheek bones. Her hands were gripping the red rope in front of her like she needed the help standing up and I ate up every single inch of her.

  She was beautiful. Gorgeous. None of the words even came close to describing her. With hair that was shining and sparkling, full lips always glossy and a deep wine color, it was her almond eyes that pulled me in, showed me her pain and her annoyance with me. She couldn’t hide anything in them and yeah, I goaded her, pissed her off. She was gorgeous as hell when she’d purse her lips and glare at me.